The Billionaire Off Ramp
Because we believe in you! We do!!!!
Are you a centi-millionaire or billionaire? Does the thought of being a major contributor to the system now ending most life on Earth make you queasy? Do you feel squeamish about kowtowing to known sociopaths in power? Do you feel you may be becoming a bit of a sociopath yourself?
Do you wonder if there is a better way? … Sometimes? A little?
Take our Billionaire Off Ramp Quiz and see if our exclusive Off-Ramp program is right for you!
Welcome, Billionaires! Thank you for reading our humble Substack and–by the way–paid subscriptions are available!
Being a billionaire can be hard. Everyone kind of hates you and no one understands you. Lobbying for, earning, keeping, investing, managing, even spending so much money is exhausting!
Who to trust? Who is really a friend? Does your spouse really love you? Do they mean you when they say “Eat the Rich?” for God’s sake?? Do you have nightmares about good looking, Italian young men in hoodies with radiant smiles?
Life at the top is lonely and surreal. The world is on fire and/or under water and yet, you must not care. The planet is in terrible turmoil and pain and yet you feel you must support Right-wing fanatics, slick neoliberals, would be and actual dictators and other terrible, terrible also-wealthy people the world over to stay on top. While you are kind of happy to be rich, you are not as happy, overall, as people tend to think. We get it! And we want you to know, there is a way out.
First, please answer the following questions honestly in our Billionaire Off Ramp Quiz:
Do you have a net worth of more than $100 million or $1 billion dollars?
a) No: _____ b) Yes: ____
Are you concerned that the disruptions of climate change, species extinction and increasing income disparities, globally, along with overall, rising planetary strife and discontent over costs of living and inequity may lead to conditions that give rise to violent revolution by the notorious “working class?”
a) No: ____ b) Yes: ____
How much time do you spend worrying about this?
a) None, as stated: _____
b) 1-2 hours per week: _____
c) 5-6 hours per week: _____
d) Building my underground bunker: _____
e) Living in my underground bunker. Will not disclose location: _____
Have you made a pilgrimage to Mar-a-Lago yet?
a) Yes, of course: _____
b) Travel arrangements in process : _____
c) Soon, attempting to delay: _____
d) No, gross: _____
If you have made the trip to Mar-a-Lago, did you do so because you authentically admire the new President? Or, did you do so for reasons you prefer not to disclose?
a) Admire!: _____
b) Choose not to disclose: _____
c) Publicly saying I admire on hyper-masculine podcasts, but pretty scared, in general and my wife is very mad at me: _____
Do you own a social media platform? If so, has your social media platform contributed to the following?:
a) Election interference: _____
b) Acts of hate toward minority groups: _____
c) Acts of hate toward and abuse of women: _____
d) Deaths from preventable diseases: _____
e) Climate change denialism and acceleration of the ongoing climate crisis: _____
f) Overall conflict and division in society: _____
g) Sowing disinformation on behalf of V. Putin/other global ne'er-do-wells: _____
h) Making people fearful and believe in irrational, even genocidal conspiracy theories (i.e. Pizzagate, Flat Earth, QAnon, anti-vaxx in general): _____
How do you live with yourself? (Please take some time to reflect … Right, OK, more time.)
a) Quite well, thank you very much: _____
b) I spend some sleepless nights, but the microdosing helps: _____
c) I am afraid to meet my maker: _____
d) Actively looking for a way out/feel trapped: _____
e) Can’t take enough showers to get the ick off: _____
Do you feel you are better able to govern the nation and/or world than most humans, due to: you have governed a for-profit corporation of some sort that has likely pillaged natural resources and exploited labor successfully–and also despite the fact that you likely have very little understanding of what most people in the United States are actually going through?
a) Yes, of course!: _____
b) Probably: _____
c) I have no idea: ____
d) I cannot govern my own life: _____
e) Help!: _____
Give yourself one point for every a) answer. Two points for every b) Three for every c) and etc. Please add 100 extra points if you are an executive in the fossil fuel, surveillance, data-gathering or cryptocurrency industries. Add all points up. If they add up to be equal to or more than 1 point, it is time for you to seriously reconsider your life and lifestyle–whether you consciously want to or not.
While we understand you have likely grown up worshiping the “free market” economy, and individual wealth and success, while simultaneously lobbying for and accepting government funds, land leases, various legs up, tax breaks, etc. wherever possible and shunning regulation, we invite you to pause and consider, for a moment–just even a tiny moment–the near-term death of the planet and our human life support systems.
What are these “human life support systems” you ask? We are so glad you asked! So, well, these would be soil microorganisms, fungi, mycelium, bees, birds, fish, sea mammals, wildlife in general, including all disappearing “biomass” and clean water, clean air and the capacity to grow clean and healthy foods to feed ourselves.
Consider this: even in your underground bunker, where will you be growing food? Others will do this for you, you say? While you are in your bunker? Will you miss the sun? Fresh air? Earth, Herself? … Do you think you can live without these?
Well, friend, no human ever has. But good luck with that!
Have you also considered the economic-collapse paradox, in which you may not be able to pay your security staff in any meaningful way due to the eventual collapse of global financial systems? Who will have the guns at your compound? How will you keep these people motivated to protect you, as an individual–you, who eventually will have nothing to give them that they could not take more easily by force without the headache of having a boss?
Do you actually like the few billionaires around you that may also be alive and kicking in their underground bunkers, in your neighborhood, after the apocalypse?
Will you get together and eat hundred-dollar bills for breakfast? What will you talk about when all the artists, writers, crafts people, poets, comedians, actors, dancers, carpenters, regular, working folks, farmers, baristas, acupuncturists, hippies, serving staff, university professors, philosophers, farmworkers, and etc. etc. etc. are gone?
Will you fly your private jets to islands that have been scorched by fires or are underwater due to rising sea levels?
Do you think you can actually live on Mars?
(Excuse us, but HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)
Let’s try another angle on all this. Have you ever felt the good feeling of contributing in a meaningful way toward helping others? Did you ever bring home a stray kitten?
Guess what? There is more of that lovely feeling in store for you–if you take The Billionaire Off Ramp!
You think we are joking about this, but the Billionaire Off Ramp Welcoming Society does not joke. We are actually deadly serious about deadly serious issues.
This Earth is beautiful and–call it a gift of God or Goddess, or a gift of the universe to us–we care deeply about it (you can too!) and we understand that we are interconnected with all Life. We cannot grow and eat food without bees, insects, clean water, healthy soils, a stable climate, farm workers and sunshine. We cannot wear clothes without those who sew them. We cannot create medicines without rainforests and forests and wildlands. We cannot be truly happy without our brother and sister and all species.
What we are discussing here might sound absurd, but believe us, it is far, far more absurd to send this Earth to Hell in a handbasket because we are not satisfied with our first $100 million. Right?
Right?
So, here’s the Good News!
Our exclusive program can help you learn how to be satisfied and content with less! We show you examples of other millionaires and billionaires who have left the corporate world and given away much of their wealth!
To be honest, it’s looking like we actually cannot do this without you! We’ve blown past a lot of climate tipping points already and are losing hundreds of species per day. You are valuable! You are important!
We take you on walks in the woods and wetlands and hold your hand while you weep your apologies to our ecosystems and learn to hug trees in earnest, to love them and be loved in return. We will help you distribute your wealth to programs and individuals doing good work for other humans, for other species and for Earth herself!
We will help you become outspoken on behalf of life on Earth and connect you with those elected leaders and activists who actually care about life on Earth too!
You may not believe it now, but there is an entire world full of do-gooders out there who live meaningful and fulfilled lives because they care deeply about others and this planet! We are not kidding! And, guess what? People generally do not want to kill them.
Sounds too good to be true? That’s why we are here! We will show you much more of this world and the good people in it. We will pave the way for you to join them and fight the good fight and not the lonely, frankly, weird struggle for more dollars and digits in your bank and Crypto accounts.
To be honest, it’s looking like we actually cannot do this without you! We’ve blown past a lot of climate tipping points already and are losing hundreds of species per day. You are valuable! You are important!
Our Billionaire Off Ramp Welcoming Society and our fabulous, caring Program Support Team consist of loving counselors who will help you access your inner capacities for spontaneous joy and contentment while consulting with you on how to wind down those operations you may have founded which are now destroying all of us!
We provide invaluable and deep, experiential programming. Meet the workers whose labor you exploit to make your products and learn to love them too! Spend time with Indigenous tribes whose forests you are razing to also create your products and look them in the eye as they describe the losses they have suffered! You can help them!
Take psychedelic substances on skillfully guided journeys meant to help you understand your unassailable connection to all life on Earth!
Sound good? Sound like a relief? It is!
Call us right now at 1-800-OFF-RAMP for more information. The first 100 callers get a special gift of 100 free hugs from toddlers and Koalas and 100 spoken positive affirmations for 100 days: (“You ARE a good person,” “You ARE a kind person,” “You ARE a good boy/girl/other” spoken over phone or Zoom by kind-hearted, elderly women who remind you of your real or fantasy Grandma.)
THE WORLD DOES NOT HAVE TO END. YOU CAN HELP TO SAVE IT … WE AT THE BILLIONAIRE OFF RAMP BELIEVE IN YOU!!!
And, if you are an actual billionaire or millionaire reading this, we are not kidding. We will do this. Email us at ami@amichen.com. Seriously.
Seriously.
Resources for Billionaires and All of Us:
MacKenzie Scott, ex of Jeff Bezos, as a role model. Oh, Jeff, you are less of a man without her!
Michael Mechanic is a senior editor at Mother Jones and author of Jackpot: How the Super Rich Really Live and How Their Wealth Harms Us All. Ami interviewed him twice for KSQD. These interviews include the psychological and “real world” issues wealthy people face, the isolation they often experience and the strategies they use to protect their wealth and avoid taxes—including a history of dramatically de-funding the IRS through the GOP.
Should Donald Trump take Ayahuasca? We think so!
Donald Trump and Ayahuasca: What could go wrong? A.K.A.: How much worse could things possibly get?
C-Suite executives have a change of heart at Amazon and Adidas. Watch “Buy Now” on Netflix.
Douglas Rushkoff, author of Survival of the Richest: Escape Fantasies of the Tech Billionaires, interviewed in Current Affairs about his new book and the philosophy of the wealthy as they gear up for apocalypse, but somehow don’t think they should or could work to prevent it.
The Golden Ghetto: The Psychology of Affluence, a classic on wealthy-people psychology and issues, by wealthy person, Jesse H. O’Neill.
We are not so sure that making billions in the first place is a great idea at this time, when we have so many problems to solve—many of them created by neoliberal capitalism and out of control greed and profit mandates—but, if you have the bucks already and if you are interested, here’s the website for The Giving Pledge.
Made me almost wish I were a billionaire who could take you up on your offer! Who wouldn't want to have this kind of fun and relief??! Thanks so much for taking on this audience. You are true humans : )